Rain isn’t non-existent in my world, there are just more umbrellas. There are just more ‘I Love You(s)’, enough to make it feel like it never rains. Every storm I can always count on my girls to help guide me through the clouds and find my sun. I love my girls.
July 7th, 2016 is a day I will forever remember. It was a beautiful, bright and sunny day in the heart of Baltimore and all was well. I had been working at a private law firm for nearly 2 years now, doing small clerical work to help get my feet wet as I await to take the LSAT in December. I was really excited about this job and ironically have been since I first got it back in 2014. You see, since I was a little girl running around my parent’s Philadelphia townhouse, I always wanted to be like my mommy. I would stuff my little feet into her kitten heels and parade around the house like what I thought my mommy did at work as a lawyer. I wanted to be just like her and I always knew that I would be! My girls could feel how passionate I was about law because I was always working on my craft or studying for the LSAT. Everything changed on July 7th though, my little world would never be the same.
On that Thursday morning everything felt completely fine. I walked into our shared office space, my face painted with the most golden smile (per usual). Our director of first impressions was a sweet elderly lady named Virginia and every single morning she would have the most immaculate spread of donuts but this particular morning? I had never seen this many donuts! I just knew I was in for a golden day. My boss grabbed me before I could cut the corner to head to my small corner desk, “Jay, meet me in my office in 20,” he said. As I sat down, I could kind of feel the draft coming in the office as he slowly closed the door. Our short conversation was about the company’s need to show some “attention” to it’s budget. The conversation ended with the news that I was no longer an employee of this company. The rain began to fall almost instantly.
I was saving up money to help me pay for law school and to help me study for the LSAT. I was coming to work everyday, giving my best and learning as much as I could to help me become the best attorney in history. I was trying to do everything the right way and play by the rules but I lost myself the day my job was taken from me. That day was the beginning of some dark days for my life. It’s hard because you kind of begin to start feeling like you aren’t worth anything. You start to feel like you’re not good enough and that you are unwanted. Then after spending weeks trying to fight those thoughts of self-worthlessness, you finally realize that life without a paycheck could actually be the death of you. 5 applications a day, re-runs of Impractical Jokers, and left-overs from the fridge became the gas to get me through the days. Some months went by and finally it happened; I was fully numb.
I couldn’t get out of my bed anymore and honestly, I didn’t want to even try. I didn’t take the LSAT, I didn’t answer the phone, and I stopped applying for jobs too. I literally lost feeling in my body and became numb to the world around me, seemingly just going with the flow without having any control whatsoever. I moved back in with my parents hoping to get some of their energy and praying to be able to use this time to get back on my feet but to no avail; It only made things worse. I had reached my lowest point in my little life and death never sounded so good.
My friends were always worried about me but I didn’t really answer the phone. Like true friends, they began to just pop up at my parent’s house. Sometimes they would bring bottles of wine and sometimes they would bring scriptures. The first couple of times I wasn’t too open to them but after a while I began leaning on them for support until one day it just all came out of me. My friend, Jocelyn, had seen me through all of my good days and all of my bad ones. We had been friends since we were toddlers and we had literally been through everything together including my time of unemployment. She came to visit one day and almost instantaneously started crying to me. She started talking about how she would give absolutely anything in this world to help me get back on my feet (of course I broke down soon after). I told her about how everyday I look into the mirror and I feel like I am better off dead and how my dreams are a thing of the past. I told her all of my demons and pains, the things that work almost like glue keeping me in the bed. Believe it or not, she assured me that my girls would fight these battles with me.
From that day forward my girls weren’t just there but they were by my side, ushering me back to myself. They helped me realize that although I was struggling to find work, my life still had meaning. They would stay with me for hours somedays until I was ready to start getting out of the house. They would literally have “Sister Circle Teas” (that’s what we called it) to help build my confidence back up and honestly, it was to help the whole group remember that we are some bad ass b******. Slowly but surely I would start to see my dreams again. Slowly but surely I would begin to believe in my future and began accepting my past. It was hard work, yes but we sweated it out as a group of young women eager to shine their light on the world. My girls saved my life and helped me believe in myself again.
I got back on my feet and I joined another firm in September of this year. Although I missed my LSAT from last December, I’m looking forward to taking it this upcoming December and my dreams of being the leading lady of the courtroom have been replenished. I don’t feel numb anymore and I certainly don’t feel married to the darkness any longer. My girls saved my life and helped me believe in myself again.
Let this serve as a smoke signal in the air to show women worldwide that although you may fall into dark times, your tiara is still on your head. You will need a strong group of girls to help remind you that you’re a bad-ass. I love you!
[From June Summers, to CTZNS]